I Lost Myself to Motherhood.

When my first child was born,  I was terrified. Being two months shy of my 19th birthday I was practically a kid myself. I was married and thought I was ready for motherhood but you're never truly ready for it. I know some people might disagree and say, "I was ready when I had my child! I was prepared!" But that's a lie. You are never fully ready to be a mother.

I remember how I felt the first moment I held my son as I looked down at his swollen, little, pink face. I was scared. Don't get me wrong I was happy too, but I thought to myself, "Oh, my God...this little, pink, blob of cuteness..his survival in this world is dependent on...me."

Maternal instincts kicked in but they were primitive at best. Feed, change, coddle...rinse repeat. There were times when he cried, his screechy voice piercing my eardrums and breaking my heart because I couldn't console him. I learned that was gas.

There were other times, especially when he started eating "big boy" food that I would freak out because the color of his poop wasn't normal. I learned that food dye in fruit loops makes baby poop resemble stinky rainbows.

I watched as this little being started to crawl on his own...then to walk. I became completely obsessed with making sure that no harm could come to him. My life was consumed with his safety. My life was consumed with making him happy. My life was absolutely consumed with everything about him. It didn't help the fact that I felt like he was all I had because this was the time period in which my first marriage dissolved. Some things are just not meant to be and when you are young you don't always listen to those who know better.

I lost myself to motherhood.

When I became a mother of multiple children I lost myself even further. My life revolved around my children and when it wasn't all about them, I was trying to stay sane. I had lost my identity. I only thought of myself as a wife and mother. I lived for my family but I had no identity outside of motherhood.

Now, some of you might be thinking to yourself, "Why is that so bad? You are a mother. Your life should be about your family. How can you be so selfish?" If you're thinking those things then you obviously aren't a mother or you're telling lies to yourself.

Being a mother is a beautiful gift and something I wouldn't change for the world, but when I say I lost myself, I truly mean it. I lost who I was and became only a mother. I couldn't define myself in any other way other than, "I'm a mother of four."

You may still be wondering why that's a bad thing and that's fine...keep reading and hopefully you'll get my point sooner or later.

It's okay to identify yourself as a mother, but that's just one of many hats you wear. Becoming a mother causes you to change your entire perspective on life. You have to carry yourself differently. At times it even holds a stigma and if you don't fit a certain mold then people judge you.

My first run in with judgmental people was when I went into a grocery store with all of the kids. I had a woman ask me if those were my siblings. She then proceeded to scoff at me when I told her that they were all my children. I have also had people say, "how old are you?" after they ask me how old my oldest child is. I can almost see the wheels turning in their head as they count down to how old they think I was when I had my first child.

Nobody asks if they're my step child, they just assume that I was a teen mother. I usually see mixed expressions at this revelation from anything to a look of pity to a look of disgust. This used to really bother me, but now I take it with a grain of salt because I know the truth and that's all that matters to me.

In the earlier years of my relationship with my second/current husband I simply saw myself as his girlfriend and the wife of our children. Together we had a blended family and I was happy. The new relationship, the happiness that I felt once again, renewed who I was. I became Kim again. I put my own needs first but was still able to do so while being a mother at the same time. That was the first time I realized that motherhood didn't define who I am.

But it didn't last...I lost myself to motherhood again. I had a slight taste of freedom but let it slip through my fingers.

"But Kim, why would you want to be free from motherhood?"

Let me explain this so that you understand what I'm saying. I did not want freedom from motherhood in the least...but I wanted to not be completely defined by motherhood. I wanted to show my kids that you can be more than a mom. You can have a career and do things for yourself and still be an awesome mom but also have your own things going on at the same time. I wanted to show my kids that it's okay for mom to have a life separate from being a parent.

Yes, I am a mother. I am a wife. First and foremost, my husband and my children are the most important people in my life. I would die for them. I would do whatever it takes to make them happy...and my life is consumed (in the best ways possible) with being a wife and mother.

But, at the end of the day, in order to keep your sanity and be able to function like a normal person you cannot forget to take care of yourself. In my case, I needed to learn how to take care of Kim. I needed to nurture my needs some too. As a mother you put everyone before yourself. That is part of our primitive maternal instincts.

Even in the littlest moments you always put your family first. From meals to sleep...you always end up putting everyone else before yourself. If I make a meal I usually always make my plate last. I serve my kids and husband first, then once they're all settled I serve myself. If I want to take a bubble bath, everyone else showers/bathes first then I grab a book and hop in the tub..usually to find that the hot water has been used or is very limited.

I go to sleep, almost always, last. I make sure that the kids are in bed and sleeping before my head hits the pillow. Every single noise in the house wakes me up so I usually don't sleep soundly unless I'm absolutely exhausted. I watch TV shows or movies that I wouldn't watch normally to make my kids happy. I sacrifice for my family and I would change absolutely nothing about that.

However, I have learned in the last few years to do things for me that make me happy too. Don't get my wrong, when my kids and husband are happy I am happy. There are some things that I like to do for me though, and it took me years to realize that it is okay to do things for myself.

It doesn't make me a bad mom. I'm not being selfish. I'm not depriving my family of something just because I go off on my own to do something just for me. More often than not I'd much rather share every happy moment in my life with my family, but sometimes it's okay to have a break. It's okay to sneak away and indulge in something that's not always "kid friendly" such as a glass of wine or and R-rated movie. 

I really started to find myself again when I decided to start working and to go to college. That gave me a more versatile identity and allowed me to be a little more independent. Prior to exploring these options my identity was dependent on my husband and kids. I was able make myself more well-rounded by getting a job and pursuing a college education. It's important to have other areas in your life in which you excel other than motherhood because as your children get older and less dependent on you, you begin to feel empty.

You know that those little people in your life are dependent on your for their every need but it's not until they grow up that you realize you are equally as dependent on them. If you don't have other things to fill the void that they leave as they start growing up and that dependency lessens then you are left wondering what to do with yourself.

I recently went on a trip to Vegas where I saw Britney Spears in concert, just my best girl friend and I. I missed my husband and kids terribly, but this was the first vacation I had EVER had without them. I needed some 'me' time and that was a memorable trip with a great friend. There were many things that I did where I thought, "Oh, my husband/child would've loved to seen that!" or "Awe, I bet my husband/kid would've enjoyed this.." but it was still nice to do something for myself.

I'm 28 now. I have been a mother for every bit of my 20's and it has taken me nearly all of it to realize that I had lost myself to motherhood and just recently began to find who I am once again. Mother is one of many titles that I proudly wear. I am a wife, mother, sister/cousin/aunt/niece, student, certified nursing assistant, cook, counselor, friend, avid reader, aspiring writer, and amateur photographer. I've got my head in the clouds, my nose in the books, one ear to the phone and the other ear listening to my children, all the while making dinner at the same time.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having 'me' time and doing things that I love. I mean, there are things that I love doing that my family probably wouldn't like anyway. I love to go out into nature for hours on end with a good book and a camera. I love reading and taking pictures. I love writing poetry and stories. I love yoga (though I haven't done it in a long time). I like certain bands and music that I know my husband and kids probably wouldn't like. There are certain things that are fitting of my personality but not necessarily something my husband or kids would want to do. It's okay for me to go off on my own and enjoy those things without them. It doesn't mean I love them any less, it just means that I'm finding a way to enjoy all the things I love.

Motherhood is about balance but I think in order to find the proper balance you must be able to nurture your family and yourself. By nurturing yourself it allows you to find happiness in all areas of your life and, in my opinion, it makes you a much better mother.

I remember the time I lost myself to motherhood, but I remember even more how I found myself again.