Tuesday, June 30, 2015

My Life is a Kaleidoscope-Adoption and Putting the Fragments Back Together.

Fragmented moments really. That's what I mean by kaleidoscope. From childhood until now, my life has always been in pieces. Not that I'm upset about that, because I feel that all of those fragments have come together to help mold me into the woman I am today.

Let's take a step back for a moment, okay? Back to 1986 when I made my debut in this world.

My biological father was in the Army, stationed in Germany, my biological mother was a teen living in Germany. They met, fell in love, found out she was pregnant, got married...lived happily ever after.

Okay, the last part was a lie. They were both young, neither ready for such a committed relationship. Nobody told them just how hard life was as an adult, not to mention an adult with a family, a child...it was too much. Without going into too much detail, I'll sum it up with this: Not every whirlwind romance ends like a Disney movie. Not everyone lives happily ever after.

My grandparents on my Dad's side ended up adopting me and they became my parents. My Momma and Daddy. The two people who would've done anything for me..no matter what it cost them. They loved me unconditionally and looked at me as their own child. I was never their granddaughter, only their daughter.

Fragments.

I remember bits and pieces. The court house on the day of my adoption when the paperwork was finalized, I can't remember my exact age, but I was around 6 or so, I think. My life has always been colorful, most likely because of how eccentric I tend to be. I love colors and my imagination is as vivid as the colors that I love. My thoughts and memories are also vivid, and at times I have to wonder if it was my imagination distorting my memories, through the eyes of a child, my thoughts tend to vary from things I've been told. I suppose we all go through that at some point or another, but more often than not I feel that I'll never know the full extent of the truth. Perhaps that is for the best.

More fragments. My biological Dad always lived nearby, but our relationship was tumultuous. It was great when things were working out well between us, but as I got older (my teen years were rough) we distanced ourselves from one another. I take as much fault as I place blame for that and I can only hope that it will be repaired one day. I love my Dad, it's just hard to vocalize that. So many years of misunderstanding adds up and makes things difficult. Where do you begin? How do you repair something that you spent most of your life believing was irreparable?

 I have lots of good memories as well. Some of my favorite were simple, being held up as high as his arms could reach as he pretended to throw me into the sky, or put me on a tree branch high above the ground. Hanging out at his house, watching tv and just being together. His goofy cockerspaniel dog jumping at a mirror as he freaked out on his own reflection. I remember trips taken to amusement parks, his wedding to the love of his life and the woman that has changed him for the better. I still have the ring with the angels that they gave me on their wedding day. So many memories. Some good, some bad. The bad ones are more vivid. That tends to be the way life works, right? Those fights as a teenager when I thought he didn't know anything. Tears were shed, angry words exchanged. Those moments I wish I could erase, take them back. Make it as if they never happened. It came from a place of love, doing what he thought was best. Isn't that what every parent strives to do?

My birth mother, the unknown portion of my life that I desired to know more than anything. At 18 I took off to Alaska to visit her and my sisters. It was great for a while, but then it went horribly wrong and was heartbreaking. Every angry/hurt/bitter emotion that I could muster up was unleashed upon her in a fury of regretful words. It was bound to happen, but I wasn't ready for that moment and it left a sour taste in my mouth. I thought she'd hate me. That she'd be happy I wasn't her problem. But she waited, I'm sure it was excruciating to do so, but she seemed to have this understanding that I had no clue about. 

My grandparents were my constant, Momma and Daddy were and always will be my parents. Adoption or not, they raised me. They are my foundation. There were hard times there too, but nobody is perfect. They did what they could to raise me to the best of their ability. I was difficult. For years I felt I was damaged. Why didn't my parents want me? Why was I the only person in my class to have older parents? While everyone else was going on vacations with their families, I mostly got my vacation fix from summer camps that I got to choose. I was fine with that, but at times I was envious of those around me who went on adventures across the country or to other countries with their parents. I knew what I had and I was grateful to them for everything, even if I didn't always show it.

I wanted more than the small town I grew up in. I wanted out. I followed in my biological parents footsteps. I moved to Germany after marrying my first husband at 19. I soon became pregnant with our son. It was never meant to be. It failed and all I could think was, "I'm my parents, history is repeating itself." I felt like a failure and was bitter for a while over that.

More fragments. This time the memories are dark and marred with negativity. The one sliver of happiness was my son and I think he's what kept me going.

Fast forward a bit to my saving grace. My husband and my children. One with him and two I gained by falling in love with him, he completed my family that at the moment was just my first son and I. This will be a blog for another time, perhaps. But these kids and this man who I call my soul mate truly changed my perspective on life in general and saved me from myself.

You see, it took becoming a mother to finally understand. The thoughts I've had for years now, since motherhood first began, have swirled in my mind and brought with them understanding. I never thought I'd be capable of this amount of understanding and acceptance. Not when it came to my own life and the people who were key players in who I've become as a woman. At 29 years old, I feel that I've gained a true idea of what love is about. You forgive and you move on, you allow time to heal wounds and you look to the future.

My Momma passed away four years ago and it was one of the most difficult times in my life. It felt like without her my family fell apart. She was the glue that held us together and without her we went our separate ways and became content with that level of distance. I dealt with it, taking comfort in knowing that my husband and kids were always there for me. Out of sight out of mind, so to speak.

Then, she came back into my life. My birth mother. The one woman who was more of an enigma than anything else. I wanted to know her, to call her Mom. To have a relationship with her like my sisters do. But I was scared. I felt guilty. How can I have two mothers? How can I possibly love them both?

Easily. Once I let my guard down and accepted the fact that I'm adopted and my heart is big enough to love everyone in my life, unhindered, if only I give it a chance. It took me my entire existence on this earth to come to that realization.

Slowly our relationship over the course of the last year has been growing, long conversations on the phone. "Liking" updates on Facebook. Laughs, tears, frustrations...we're so much alike. I look like her, my Momma always told me that. We all look like her. My sisters and I. There's 5 of us total and it's obvious that we're sisters. I've gained relationships with both my Mom and my sisters. Something I never thought would happen. More fragments and colors to add to my kaleidoscope. Beautiful colors that help complete my life.

My husband has a wonderful family that has accepted me as part of their inner circle. They've stepped in, especially my Mother in law, as being a constant in my life. But now I have this part of my family that is not only enriching my life but also the lives of my children. I bring into this relationship, three grandmothers, My Momma and Mom, and a step-grandmother (my biological Dad's wife). I also have other women who I consider to be like motherly figures for various reasons and they just add to the chaotic mix that is my life.

My Mom can never replace my Momma, but that's okay. I'm completely fine with that. However, she can add new memories and hopefully those new memories will repair some of those old wounds that haunt my inner child.

This week, I will embark on what has been dubbed "An epic road trip" from Florida to South Dakota with my birth mother, Patty. Never in my life could I have predicted this happening. It's stirred up a mixture of emotions and thoughts, so much so that I needed to write. Writing is my outlet and I needed to pour my thoughts out. This isn't a bad thing. Not in the least. It's the most amazing thing to happen for my family and I. This is the trip that will drive us into a totally new beginning in our lives. A beginning that I've prayed and begged God for, for so long. It's a daydream in a sense. Is this real? No seriously..is this really happening? I've needed this. She's needed this. WE have needed this for years.

So there's that. I could write so much more but I think this is good for now. A cleansing of sorts.

When you look into a kaleidoscope there are so many colors, some bright, some dim. Those colors are cut into a variety of shapes. Upon first inspection those fragmented colors are just kind of strewn about. You hold it up to the light and you see just how beautiful those colors are. When you turn the kaleidoscope those colors begin to work together to create a beautiful abstract tapestry. It's only when all the key components work together that the true beauty comes into view.

Life is beautiful, isn't it? 

Thursday, June 11, 2015

The Day My Best Friend Broke My Heart

It was a day like any other really. I was sleep deprived as usual, getting off of my overnight shift from the nursing home I work at. The difference was it was a day off and I planned to forgo sleep in order to accomplish some things. I had big goals for this day. Bigger than previous goals such as running errands and getting a caramel machiato to force myself to stay awake.

Anywho...

I was having a conversation with a friend of my best friend who was attempting to help her (my best friend) dabble in the modeling world. I voiced my concerns about how this could be done without jeopardizing anything in her life. I wanted so badly to see her succeed in the modeling world because she's absolutely stunning and I could see her going far.

We talked for what felt like hours about how we could make this possible for her. We plotted and schemed thinking we had it all figured out. I thought about it all night at work, thinking about how she would respond to our plans for her. It was fool proof..or so I thought.

The moment of truth came that morning when she messaged me on Facebook. I was ecstatic. I started a conversation with the three of us and we began to lay our plan out to her. Her response wasn't in the least what I expected, she first sent me a text that stopped my thought train in the middle of its track.


That was the moment my best friend broke my heart, in the most beautiful of ways...

You see, my best friend Arianne lives with a condition known as Spinocerebellar Ataxia or SCA type 14. What is that? Well, according to ataxia.org it's "an inherited defect in a gene that causes slow degeneration of cells in the cerebellum resulting in ataxia and incoordination." Another words, it causes someone to shake, loose coordination of their limbs, and require the assistance of a cane, walker, or wheelchair. To read more, I strongly encourage you to visit Ataxia.org. 

I wanted Ari to not feel like a prisoner in her own body and I thought that by modeling it would help her feel as though she could accomplish something that not many people could say they were doing. But Ari receives medical benefits that would be completely taken away if she ever had a job of any sort, and that's the last thing I or anyone else who cares about her wanted to see happen. 

Let's take a step back for a moment, shall we? 

Ari's Mom, Jo has been not only a mother but a caregiver and best friend to Ari. Momma Jo is an amazing woman and as a mother I cannot imagine what she's gone through because not only does Ari have Ataxia, but so does her older brother. Having two children with a disability has to be difficult in so many ways and I commend her for having one of the most resilient, self-less souls of anyone I know. Momma Jo had concerns for Ari too and on the night while I was in the Mid-West plotting Ari's future, Momma Jo was on the East Coast trying to convince Ari that modeling wasn't the best idea. 


Now, fast forward to the moment we began laying our plans out before Ari. She stopped us and told us it wasn't happening. The selfish side of me was hurt, how could she not like our idea!? How could she not even give us a chance to explain all the details? Why was she running from this? It was a great plan! Sure it needed some sorting out, but what plan didn't? Little did I know Ari had much bigger plans. 

As she explained her thoughts and goals she had for herself I realized that finally Ari was speaking for herself, planning things for herself, making goals for herself. She wasn't going to allow anyone to do these things for her. In that moment I watched as Ari finally embraced her disability and began owning it. It was something she hadn't done before. Something she shied away from. And that is the moment my heart broke. She was finally willing to conquer her own demon. It broke from happiness because she accepted herself. 

We went on a Vegas trip a year ago, our first time ever meeting in person actually. A long story there that I'll write about in another blog some other time. While in Vegas I realized just how self-conscious Ari was of her wheelchair. She could walk assisted but she was unsteady on her feet so any long distance walking required her to be in a chair. We would take pictures together and she'd wanted the chair to be elsewhere. I told her to own it like an accessory, it was part of her and everyone who loved her knew what it was. Slowly she seemed to warm up to the idea and selfies became a regular on our trip. 

Over the last year, I've witnessed her blossom into a much more confident woman and I'm so proud of her for doing so. But the other day was my most proud moment because she began to look at her future. She wants more out of life and I'll do everything to help her achieve her goals. We've talked bigger ideas now. Modeling is small time, no we're talking about raising awareness for Ataxia. There's an entire community out there that deserves to be recognized. 

I felt like the worst friend ever the other day because when I asked her what her actual diagnosis was she told me and that's when I truly began learning about Ataxia. Prior to that I thought "Oh, it's a form of MS or MD." I really had no idea other than what she had told me what it was. I felt guilty for not taking the time to know that side of my best friend. Perhaps it was because I didn't want to face facts? I've never looked at her differently because of it. To me she's Arianne, that funny, sarcastic girl that has an obsession with Britney Spears that matches my own. (We saw her in Vegas, by the way.) She's Ari, the girl who loves frogs, concerts, and Dancing with the Stars. She's my best friend and she's got this thing that doesn't seem to slow her down. 

Especially not her mouth! She's witty, confident, and beautiful. And now, she's ready to own her disease and start a revolution of sorts. I can't wait to go along for this ride with her...

So there's that. Keep an eye on my blog because there's more of this journey to come. Today I met some other individuals living with Ataxia through some Facebook groups and I'm inspired by their resilience. I had no idea this world existed and I'm honored to be welcomed into it with open arms.

Who is ready to start a revolution?



Monday, June 1, 2015

Life Lessons that Caitlyn Jenner and RuPaul Have Taught Me

                                                               (Photo: Vanity Fair)

Yes, you read the title right. Life lessons from a reality star and a drag queen. Keep reading to see exactly what I'm talking about...you won't be disappointed. 

I've been reading comments regarding Bruce Jenner's transformation to Caitlyn and there are many who are in support of her while there are many who are not. The negativity breaks my heart because I thought that by 2015, living in the world we live in, things like this would be more acceptable. I just commented on my friends' status on FB because of the positivity within his post, but my thoughts are much more than FB can handle so here comes a new blog. Good thing because it's been months since I last posted. Hot/Cold Love/Hate relationship with blogging and such.

As parents, my husband and I are raising our children to be accepting of those who are different. That's the key word here. Acceptance. If you don't like it, fine..if you don't agree with it. Whatever. BUT at least accept someone who is different. Not everyone likes you either. Not everyone thinks you're "normal." 
I remember a book from my teen years by an author named Julie Anne Peters called Define "Normal". It was a book about two teen girls who thought they were completely different from one another. They end up in peer counseling together only to find out that they aren't very different after all. It's a good coming of age book that helps teens (especially girls) realize that being different from the social "norm" is okay and that it should be embraced. 
That phrase, define normal, has stuck with me into adulthood. I've used it from time to time in conversation when people have used such statements as "That's just not normal!" What is normal? Truly. Aside from a dry, black and white text in the dictionary, what is normal? Who sets the standard for what is normal? 
If normal is being like everyone else and not having your own identity then I'll continue to remain abnormal. Thanks...
Now then, back to Bruce..or rather Caitlyn Jenner. Love the name choice by the way. Caitlyn is perfect for her. Thank goodness she went with a C instead of a K because that would just been too korny. Okay, I'll stop, I swear! 
My kids are happy for her. Yes, my children. I have kids that range in age from almost 6 to almost 12. All of the children thought Caitlyn looked so pretty in her "new skin" on the cover of Vanity Fair. My oldest son said, "Mom, that's the dad from Keeping up with the Kardashians? He looks like a woman...Wow...he did a great job with his makeup!" 
Now here's a little background. Along with the Kardashians, one of my other reality show faves is RuPaul's Drag Race. It's different, kind of edgy, and extremely entertaining. But more than that, it's allowing a forum for people to gain more understanding of the LGBTQ community. Yes, there are men dressing in drag on the show but it's much deeper than just amazing makeup, hair and glamorous clothes. RuPaul brings about awareness of the struggles these queens face on a daily basis. You learn about the individuals on the show. Their struggles with being accepted by family and friends. Their heartbreak when people judge them so harshly for their lifestyle choices. Their frustration when they are told that they're not normal. Drug addiction, suicide, depression, isolation, that is the norm many of those in the LGBTQ community face, especially as teenagers.

Why aren't they normal? I firmly believe that there are people who feel different. People who know in their heart they were meant to be someone else. When people throw religious views into this situation (don't even get me started on the WBC and their picket signs!) it sickens me. Who's to say that God didn't make gay, transgendered or other people who don't fit the societal norm just to test us? He wiped us out with a flood once because the world wasn't what he wanted it to be. So why couldn't he have made humans to be different just to teach his followers to love EVERYONE regardless of the situation? Is that too complicated for God to have done? I think not. He's God...he can do what he wants! 

Acceptance, humility, compassion...that's what the world needs more of. Hate breeds hate. Honestly, how can anyone hate something they don't understand? This applies to most every situation, if not all, from cultural differences to religion to lifestyle choices. You cannot hate something that you do not have a full understanding of. End of story. 

Now then, my kids watch RuPaul's Drag Race with my husband and I. Some people might disagree with that, and that's their choice. But as a parent it's my duty to try to help my children understand that there are a plethora of individuals who walk this earth and the best way to succeed in life and make a mark is to be accepting. Being able to have that mentality allows you to have a larger circle of friends and to embrace all the unique qualities of every single one of those friends. My kids are growing up with the knowledge that this world can be a cruel place and I'm doing my best to arm them with the tools to help combat that cruelness. 

We turn reality shows into life lessons. There was a recent episode of RuPaul's Drag Race where the drag queens were shown a picture of themselves at a younger age and asked what they would say to that child now. The answers were heartbreaking and the tears flowed from their eyes. You could hear the sadness in their voices but you could also see that they had the spirit to endure and persevere. That's why they're still standing. They didn't give up. They fought to get to where they currently are and by doing so they showed all their haters that they can handle anything life throws at them. 

When my kids watched that episode, it clicked for them. I could see the wheels turning. They understood that these aren't just men in costumes. These are humans that are fighting to let their true colors show. Now couple this show with Bruce Jenner's transformation and it's allowing individuals all around the world to see that this real. 

These individuals exist everywhere. It's showing up more and more in the worldwide news, not just the United States. People are fighting for their rights. Gay marriage and rights, transgender and gender equality. It's all around us. Don't we all have something we're fighting for in this life? If it's worth the fight, shouldn't we be given the right? (Maybe I should put that on a T-Shirt if it's not already..hmm..)

I have a variety of friends in the LGBTQ and while personally that's not my lifestyle, it doesn't matter. They are my friends and I love them tremendously for everything they stand for. It takes courage in this world to fight for what you believe in and I can only hope I live to see the day when it doesn't require a fight to be yourself. Acceptance is key. 

10 Life Lessons:

1. Be true to yourself, no matter what others think.
2. Love yourself.
3. Be brave in the face of adversity.
4. Stand up for what you believe in.
5. Love those around you even if they're different. 
6. Different is beautiful. 
7. Drag queens have the best hair and makeup. 
8. Do not give up on your dreams or you'll be letting yourself down.
9. Teach your children to be accepting of everyone around them.
10. Moisturize. (Seriously, have you seen RuPaul's skin?)

In the words of RuPaul, ConDragulations, Caitlyn Jenner, you're a beautiful woman inside and out. Keep being an ambassador in the public eye for all of those who are too scared to stand up for themselves. This is one step closer to a world where people will be truly free to be who they are. 

On a side note: I'm not trying to say that all gay people are transgendered or all trans-people are gay. I'm just writing a blog talking about issues that are currently on my mind. I know there's a difference so before people start ranting about me being  a "straight woman with no knowledge of the LGBTQ community" understand that I know the difference.