Tuesday, July 29, 2014

The Loss of my Mother

I've had yet to share my poetry (of any type) on my blog, but I decided that it was time. I shared this particular piece back in April on the 3 year anniversary of my Mom's death. It was only fitting to do so. 
My Mom fought cancer for nearly a decade and kicked ass doing so, but fighting meant chemo and radiation. If you know anything about cancer treatment then you know that it's extremely detrimental to the body, more specifically the immune system. 

She was a hard headed, self-proclaimed "bitch", who loved her family with everything she had and tried to give her children the world...even if it meant she went without. She was the backbone of our family and it fell apart when she died.

She was my best-friend and the person I called several times a day to get advice about motherhood, vent to when I felt like nobody else would understand, and cry to when my heart was broken. When my first marriage was ending, my mother told me that I had too big of a heart to give up on love. She assured me that love would come around when I least expected it. 

When Sean came into my life she knew before I told her that I had fallen for him. She knew that the love I felt for him was rare and she warned me not to let him fall in love with me. She was afraid that I wasn't ready...but love had happened and she knew it. 

He was the first guy that I have ever seen her accept 100% as good enough to be my husband. She adored him and when I last saw her she told me to "Thank Sean for me..for loving you...I know I can go home without worrying about you being taken care of. Never let him go and when marriage gets hard fight like hell to hold onto it." 

My Mom may have not been my mother by blood but she was my grandmother by blood. If you've read my previous blogs, then you know I've mentioned that I was adopted by my grandparents. I have only recently started working on a relationship with my biological mother and I couldn't be more thankful. If my Mom wouldn't have taught me forgiveness and understanding..then I am not sure I would have ever been ready to take this step with my biological mother. 

I am grateful now to say I have two moms. If I count the other women in my life such as my ex-step mother, Robyn or my mother-in-law, Barb then I can honestly say I have more moms than most. None of them are alike, none of them can replace the mother that I lost when Dixie left this world, but they all hold a very dear place in my heart and I love them tremendously.

In the last three years I have slowly accepted that my Mom is no longer here but I have plenty of moments where I feel her presence..and her absence. Every time I hear You Are My Sunshine I am reduced to tears. As I sit here writing I have that song playing in the background and I am looking at my computer screen through a veil of tears. That was our song...I have only recently stopped picking up the phone to call her.

I think what inspired this blog the most was when I was unpacking a box last night. It was items that I had given my Mom when she was in the hospital. My aunt Roxie had been sure that those items made it back to me. One item in particular nearly broke my heart when I held it. It's a large purple butterfly that you can hang on the wall. My parents have always called me butterfly because my Daddy gave me that nickname when I was three years old. 

Anyway, I was living in Florida when my Mom was sick and had traveled back home to Kentucky to see her...to..say goodbye. I felt awful the day before I had to leave because I knew that I would most likely never see her alive again. I went to the gift shop and bought that purple butterfly and put it in her room. I told her that even if I wasn't physically there I was always with her and that butterfly was to remind her of that. 

When I held that butterfly last night, I cried for a few minutes and it felt I was mourning her death all over again. I have a few other pieces that were sent to her funeral specifically for me. Two beautiful white angels that I hold dear because of my best friends who sent them. That box was hard for me to go through last night but it was a little bit easier than when I packed it up a month ago. 

It left me feeling raw with emotion and today I decided to get up and write...I have to write to get it out because I've found that writing is the only way I allow myself to truly deal with her death. This brings me to the poem...

The back story on this poem is that I wrote it for a creative writing course in college. I have had a very difficult time dealing with my Mom's death and more often than not I tend to downplay my emotions until they fester inside and I, more or less, explode into a blubbering mess of tears. 

We were asked to write a poem in a specific format and I chose to write an elegy. My mood that day was bitter to the point that I could nearly taste it rising like bile in the back of my throat. The only way to deal with that bitterness was to expel it from myself in the form of writing.

Here's the poem: (Disclaimer-This is my work and I don't mind it being quoted but please do not do so without my permission.) 

   
The End (Elegy)
                                     
Heads were bowed in contemplative unison as we awaited for the formalities to end.
Staggered breathing could be heard if one paid attention,
But most were lost within their own reflections of their last moments with her. 
Moments that would be forever encapsulated in our hearts, as we held steadfast to the hope that she would some how awaken; a ridiculous notion for the dead cannot be shaken.
The spirit that had tethered her to this world had long abandoned the fragile shell that we now gazed upon.
One by one, we began to say our final good bye, though mere words seemed to desensitize everything we felt in those life-altering seconds.
A hushed whisper rumbled through our ears as we made our approach to the cold, metallic tomb in which she lay.
Mouth drawn in a tight line and hands clasped stiffly across her torso, the image was imposed upon us as it etched itself into our memories.
We tried to catalog it with the other undesirables that could not be unseen; but it was at the forefront of our sorrow.
In the air hung a smell that only funeral flowers could generate. The scent burned our throats and had the ability to conjure up painful images of those who we wished only to commemorate.
A sickeningly, sweet fragrance laced with heartache and regret, thick enough that it could drowned anyone who allowed it.
Acidic tears stung our cheeks and our knees began to buckle beneath the weight of the sorrow. We supported one another in this  moment because we felt camaraderie in our pain.
Clinging to the cold edge of the box in which she lay, we whispered words of comfort and regret that fell on deaf ears to our dismay.
As morning shifted to afternoon, we walked across soft, moist earth to her final resting place.
The minutes ticked by at a quickened pace, that blurred past as the midday sun cast dark shadows over every mourners’ face.
A prayer was spoken in a voice twisted by despair, but that pivotal moment did not fully register until the creaking of the ropes resounded around us. Slowly she sank into the cold ground, forever hidden from our sights except for when we allowed our hearts to reminisce. ©
2014 Kimberly Kasper

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Author Spot Light: Maria Rachel Hooley



   I have been hoping to interview one of my favorite authors-turned-friend for some time now; but it was not until recently that I was afforded the opportunity.  I had mentioned my idea about this interview to Maria Rachel Hooley a couple of weeks back and she was enthusiastic to let me pick her brain.

     For days I have poured over the questions that I should ask, to the point of anxiety. Finally, armed with a set of questions that I thought eager minds would be thrilled to learn; I hit enter and sent those questions spinning through the internet via Facebook chat.

         Let’s take a trip down memory lane for just a moment, shall we? About a year ago, I came across Maria Rachel Hooley’s Facebook fan page after reading four books in her Sojourner series.
     I gained a strong appreciation for the depth of her writing, how easily it flowed, and the characters she created. The emotions that she was able to convey created such an intense feeling of emotions for me that I felt almost as I was in the story. When an author is able to impact you in that way, you want to read more of their work; to say in the least.

     I left Mrs. Hooley a message on her Facebook fan page wall, regarding the series, and within minutes she had responded to me! I was elated and from that moment our friendship began to blossom.

         I value Mrs. Hooley’s opinion and criticism tremendously and I have gone to her for advice regarding my own creative writing. When the opportunity came to light in which I could really pick her brain while introducing others to her and her incredible talent, I jumped at the chance.
         Now spring forward to the night that I nervously sent my questions out into cyber space. Eagerly I awaited Mrs. Hooley’s response as I wondered if my questions would elicit the answers that I hoped for.

      A small beep from my phone alerted me to a message on my personal Facebook account and with shaking hands I opened the message to find that Mrs. Hooley had responded.
The conversation that follows is the transcript of our interview.

KIM: How long have you been writing?

MRS. HOOLEY: Probably close to thirty years.

KIM:  What/who inspires you?

MRS. HOOLEY: I guess there are two ways to answer this one. The people who inspire me in my day-to-day life are those who try to make a difference because that’s what I’m hoping my life amounts to even on a small scale. Some of those people are Harry Chapin, Kurt Klein and Gerda Wiessman Klein, among others. There are so many, and I have a Pinterest board devoted for that in hopes to inspire other people. As far as my writing goes, I draw inspiration from books I read, such as The Hate List by Jennifer Brown, or movies like The Host or music like VAST. Again there is so much great stuff out there.

KIM: What genre do you prefer to write and does it differ from what you prefer to read?

MRS. HOOLEY: First off, I read almost everything. That said, I know there are genres that I read that I won’t write well so I don’t even try that. My favorite genre to read is young adult. Love it! It is also my favorite genre to write, and most of the people who beta or edit for me tell me it is actually the genre that I write best.

KIM: How difficult was it for you to hand over your first book to another person for critique?

MRS. HOOLEY: Because I wrote so many novels before I ever had one critiqued, it wasn’t all that hard. I was probably working on novel six or seven. I think that all the writing before-hand made that transition to the next step so much easier. The first time your work became published, what emotions did you experience? Well, I’d probably call it elated panic. First I thought: YES! It is FINISHED! Then I thought Oh My. What have I done???

KIM: How do you deal with negative criticism from your audience?

MRS. HOOLEY:  I try not to read reviews very much because even if you get ten great reviews and two bad ones, I think the bad ones are those that you take to heart. Not everyone will like what you write and not everyone will be eloquent or polite about that dislike, but I don’t have to let those comments poison what I do. My favorite quote by Eleanor Roosevelt sums it up nicely: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” I try to take what I can that will help me grow as a write and let go of the rest. I think that’s all any of us can do with any type of negativity.
KIM: What is the most rewarding part of your career as an author?

MRS. HOOLEY: When someone tells me a novel matters to them because it made a difference in something they had to deal with, that’s the best thing anyone can say to an author. I’ve been fortunate to have people tell me that about October Breezes.

KIM: I have read October Breezes and I can say that I am one of those people in which you made a difference. This is something we have spoken about before and I truly mean it when I say thank you for writing such an inspirational story.

MRS. HOOLEY:  Kim, that is why I write. There isn’t a higher compliment you can give me, and I am honored.

KIM: Tell me about your top 3 favorite books; why are they your favorite? (Books you’ve written that is.)

MRS. HOOLEY: Books that I have written. October Breezes will probably always be my favorite because of Devin. He’s a character I really love. Summer Sunsets is my second again because of Devin. Probably my third favorite book is Second Sight because that’s the book in the series when I really had to figure out who Lizzie and Lev were both as a couple and as individuals.

KIM: Who do you write for? (Ie: Family, friends, fans, yourself?)

MRS. HOOLEY: Typically when I start a novel, it’s because an idea has intrigued me. A lot of people pick the kinds of stories they want to tell by genre. I don’t. I let the story pick me. Sometimes, it’s not always easy because it’s outside of my comfort zone, but because I’m picking that project based on the story, I think it’s really for me on the first draft. I want to know what is going to happen and I want to be a part of that journey. That said, this summer I will probably be embarking on a middle grade book, something I never, ever planned to write, but my younger daughter wants me to write a book for her, so we will see that how that goes!

KIM: Give me 5 fun facts about yourself.

MRS. HOOLEY: Fun facts? Mmmm. 1. Strange as it sounds I like photographing statues and cemeteries are usually my favorite places for that. 2. I never used to pick out celebrities to use as models for my characters, but I always had ideas for them. I never could find someone I thought fit Devin in October Breezes. As he is my favorite character, that was a tough one. Then, one day, I was sitting there watching Supernatural, and I realized I had just found Devin—Jared Padalecki. It was the strangest feeling. It had never happened to me before and it hasn’t happened since. 3. My favorite store is Staples, followed closely by Office Depot. I think it comes from the whole writing thing. I tend to shun shopping as much as I can unless I’m in one of those two stores. 4. At one point when I was younger, I thought about being a Christian rock singer. Unfortunately, I don’t like getting up in front of people, so you can tell how long THAT lasted. 5. I used to sew a lot. I’ve actually made Renaissance costumes for both myself and my husband.

KIM: Tell me about your “day job” as a teacher.

MRS. HOOLEY: Day Job. Teacher. Well, I spend the day with high school students as an English teacher. We have about forty kids in an alternative type of suspension school. Most days are never boring and never go the way I think they are going to go. Because we have a lot of kids coming and going, it can be pretty challenging. Still, I enjoy working with teenagers. They tend to make me laugh a lot.

KIM: Lastly, what are your top five books by other authors?

MRS. HOOLEY: The Last Unicorn by Peter S. Beagle Tuck Everlasting by Natalie Babbitt Ariel—Steven Boyett Thirteen Reasons Why—Jay Asher To Kill a Mockingbird—Harper Lee.
In a follow up the next morning, I sent Mrs. Hooley a quick message.

KIM: I have to thank you for taking the time last night to answer my questions. I appreciate it tremendously.

MRS. HOOLEY: I’m really glad, Kim.

As I read through the transcript of my interview with Mrs. Hooley, I realized just how much her passion shines through her work and just simple conversation with her. She writes because she loves it; plain and simple.

There is no hidden agenda and she doesn’t aspire to make millions. She writes for the love of writing and storytelling. I think that passion is what makes her stories so enjoyable for her fans.
She writes what she loves and she doesn’t allow negativity to take that love from her.

I would like to thank Mrs. Hooley for being one of my personal writing inspirations and for taking the time out of her busy schedule to answer all of my questions. Not only is she an author who has written and published a plethora of books, but she's a mother and a teacher. Her schedule is typically quite hectic yet she constantly finds the time to be a friend and writing mentor to me. She also responds to her fans and is very active on her social media sites. She's such a down to Earth person and someone that I am glad to consider a friend.

To find out more about Maria Rachel Hooley and her work be sure to follow the links below to follow Mrs. Hooley on her social media sites, check out her personal website and pinterest for a look at her work and also some insight into what inspires her! Above all be certain to check out the many books she has, you won't be disappointed! (I've read many of her books and two of my favorite series are The Sojourner and Dreamwalker series. ) 

Maria Rachel Hooley's Facebook 

Maria Rachel Hooley's Twitter

Maria Rachel Hooley's Website

Maria Rachel Hooley's Pinterest Page

Friday, July 25, 2014

The Unrealistic Expectations of Beauty

We've all heard the saying that beauty is only skin deep, but I've always questioned that. I personally believe that beauty comes from within. If you're an ugly person on the inside then that ugliness will bleed through your pores and sooner or later it will be on display for the world to see.

I feel that in order to show the beauty that is within you, you must treat others with kindness and love. You love life and live it to your fullest capable ability. You don't spread rumors or hate and you surround yourself with love instead of toxicity.

We're all, myself included, guilty of letting our ugly show...but it is only when you are able to acknowledge that your behaviors are ugly that you are then able to reinvent yourself and change those behaviors.

I look at it this way, you can paint a house and give it the best landscaping money can buy. You can put a beautiful fence around that gorgeously landscaped house. You can put lawn decorations and cute little signs about bunnies and butterflies...but if the moment you pass the threshold that house is a barren shell, void of furniture, picture frames, adorned with cracks in the walls and glass-less windows then that home becomes ugly.

The same goes for people. You can wear the most stylish and fashionable clothes, you can curl your hair and plaster on makeup, but if you are ugly inside then no amount of cover up will hide the ugliness radiating from within. 

What is your idea of beautiful? Have you ever truly considered that? 

We're all guilty of judging one another, whether it's out loud with a friend or silently to ourselves. WE, the human race, are a judgmental being capable of reducing one another to a broken state by merely using words. 

I have my own insecurities about leaving the house without makeup on. As I've gotten older I have been able to become  more secure but I still struggle daily with my natural state, sans makeup. When I go to work, I have to have my makeup on. When I go out to eat, I need a little bit of makeup to "brighten my face and make me feel human" as I usually say. 

Why do I feel the need to do this? 

To feel human is definitely not smearing colorful gunk that is poured from bottles labeled "age rewind" and "air brush finish" with the hopes of looking like a model who has clearly been photo-shopped. 

Why do I strive to reach this unattainable, unrealistic beauty standard? 

It's simple. 

The world around me has told me what beautiful is my whole life. Beauty is the women who are a size 0, with the flawless skin that resembles that of a Greek goddess. Beauty is wearing heels that make me look like a baby giraffe trying to walk for the first time. Beauty is putting loads of makeup on my face to hide every imperfection that I've earned due to sleepless nights of motherhood. Beauty is dousing my hair in products to change my natural color while whipping my hair into an altered state like a submissive captive. Beauty is reaching for a goal, a standard, an illusion that is impossible to achieve. 

So why do I insist on putting myself through an unnecessary routine when I know that I will never achieve the standard ideology of beauty?

I do it because of that day I was told I looked sick because I wasn't wearing makeup to work.
I do it because I didn't sleep well the night before and the dark circles under my eyes ruin my "fresh faced" appearance causing people to judge me. 
I do it because my mother did it. 
I do it because every where I look, in magazines, newspapers, television, movies...the internet...other women have set a standard that I have no chance of achieving. 
I do it because I'm driven to feel beautiful. 
I do it because I am unable to fully love myself on the inside. 
I do it because I feel ugly. 
I do it because I am only human and no matter how much I try to love myself, the world around me plants seeds of doubts which cause me to break. 

We have all felt this way at some point or another because of something someone has said or done to us..so I ask you, when will we be able to stop hurting one another? When will we allow ourselves to love who we are on the inside so that our beauty can radiate from within? When will we stop setting the standards of beauty to an unachievable level? 


A most of all, how can we truly start loving ourselves and break this vicious cycle once and for all without working together? 


Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Adoption and Heartache

I don't usually watch the morning talk show THE VIEW, but today I did...and I'm glad but also saddened. The story I've linked is one that I find absolutely mind blowing.


A nine year old little girl was adopted at the age of one because she had been abandoned. The whereabouts of her bio-mother are not mentioned, but her father was incarcerated for the majority of her life. She was adopted by a family that raised her until she was 9.

Her father had initially lost his rights because of a law that says if someone is incarcerated for 10 years or more, then that individual loses rights. Her father had received a sentence of 15 years for dealing in guns and drugs. He was able to get his sentence reduced and decided that he would fight to get his daughter back.

While that sounds commendable...rehabilitated ex-felon turned father of the year...the way the state went about returning his rights was completely wrong. They (the state) took the girl as she exited the bus from school and she hasn't seen her adoptive family since. That was 6 months ago.

Adoption is a huge topic to me because I was adopted by my grandparents on my biological father's side. The reason is not important, the fact that I was adopted is the focal point of this blog. I was adopted and though I often wonder what my life would've been like with my biological parents, I cannot dismiss that I had a pretty good childhood with my adoptive parents. They are the only parents that I've ever considered Mom and Dad.

It's only recently that I have begun building a relationship with my biological mother and I'm extremely thankful that we've both reached a point in our life where we are ready to embark on this journey together.

Being adopted was my norm and I cannot imagine what this little girl is going through. If someone would've ripped my away from the only family I had known practically since birth, it would have devastated me.

Think about it. One day 9 year old you gets up and has a normal morning getting ready for school. You say goodbye to your parents as you get on the bus. You go about your normal routine at school, hang out with your friends, roll your eyes when your teacher attempts to make a joke that is obviously corny. You get restless when you know school is about to let out and it's almost time to go home. The bus pulls up at your stop, the same bus that you boarded hours prior, and to your surprise you see cars you don't recognize parked in the driveway of your home. As you exit the bus you see your mother and father run out of the front door toward you, but they are stopped short by a man in a business suit as a woman approaches you. You don't really hear what she's saying but you can tell by her facial expression she's attempting to reassure you that everything is okay. You move toward your parents but the man in the suit blocks you from doing so. Tears begin to spill down your cheeks and you cry out as you begin calling for you mother...the lady, the one with the kind face and hollow reassurances leads you toward one of the cars you don't recognize in the driveway. You look over your shoulder to see your mother fall to her knees as her heart literally breaks before your eyes. The woman continues to lead you away, into the car..she puts the seat belt around you as you tremble and attempt to catch your breath. The door of the car shuts and you're alone for a moment. You try to open the door but the child safety lock prevents you from doing so. Absolute panic grasps your 9 year old self and all you can do is look out the window of the car you don't recognize...and cry.

I can only imagine that this is very similar to what Sonya went through. The system has failed her and I pray that her parents and the legal team they've hired can find a way to get her back. I have no qualms about her biological father being in her life, but this was NOT the way this situation should have been handled. If he wanted to do what was right by his daughter, he should've left her with her adoptive family and slowly integrated himself back into her life.

Ripping a 9 year old child away from the only family she has ever known, just because you feel like playing house after being incarcerated for your bad decisions is NOT the way you become a parent.

I can only hope that her biological father learned from his mistakes and truly is a good father to her. I hope that her adoptive family is able to be a part of her life and that at some point both parental parties can become a cohesive unit. And most importantly, I hope that Sonya is able to recover from the trauma she has endured through this experience and that all those who love her will do everything they can to ensure she overcomes any problems that this has/will cause her. 

~Kim

A new chapter in life deserving of a new blog...

      
So, I decided to start blogging...again, but this time I've created an entirely new blog. Here you'll find a variety of topics from what's going on in my personal life, my thoughts on motherhood (struggles and victories) and also stories that I find interesting.
      You might be thinking, "here we go again..." and that's fine. I'm writing this for me but I welcome anyone along for the ride. I love writing and I also enjoy being able to journal. I find it to be a cleansing of the soul in a sense. I constantly use my Facebook as a forum to express my opinions, but I've grown bored with Facebook and would rather create a place designated for my thoughts.
      With that being said, welcome to this new chapter in my journey of self-discovery where you'll see slivers of who I am and what's happening in my life. I've been vlogging too since we made our great move across the country, so perhaps instead of uploading those on Facebook, I'll start posting those on youtube and linking them here..we'll see.
      I have no goals to be the "next great blogger/vlogger" I honestly want to do this as a way to keep my writing juices flowing and also a way for family and friends to keep themselves entertained with the chaos of my life. So...here goes nothing. ;)

~Kim